This song is close to my heart.

I listened to it when the sun rose as I waited for the bus, as I waited on the bus, as I waited on the subway. 

I woke up to this song. 

It was a reminder and a motivator. 

“Wake up. You have work to do.”

The song itself reminded me to keep pursuing the primary goal that I had during this time. It motivated me to keep going no matter what came my way, no matter how tired I was, no matter what others did/thought. 

I had but one goal: to do well in my last year of Nationals.

“I’ll keep my eyes fixed on the sun”

- No matter how painful, I had to set my sights on the goal. It was a glorious thing - painful, and not feasible in the long term, but glorious nonetheless. It was a passion and I had set out a detailed plan as to how I was going to achieve it. I fixed up my schedule so that I would train early in the morning (as soon as the Centre opened), and I would have classes in the afternoon, then return to train at night. Almost everyday I would do this. 

- “Even on a cloudy day.” 

It was a passion and I was a martyr. Yes, I forsook school (minimal effort - just wanted a passing grade so that I could come back to it in the future) as well my social life. 

Was it worth it?

I think it made me a better person. 

Of course I was alone in this. Nobody was in the same situation as me. They were either still in highschool, or had been forced to give up competing for the sake of… real life. I couldn’t talk to people about it. Or, I could but they wouldn’t understand. They would say they did, but I know they didn’t. They couldn’t possibly. 

It set me back in life. It postponed everything else I had wanted to accomplish. My other passions, other needs, other wants.

Do I regret it?

Nope.

It definitely built character. If anything, I miss it. 

Can I go back?

Nope.

Do I miss it?

Maybe. I don’t know.

These are days passed, only engrained in my memory, my character. Not sure how much left I have in the latter though. But when its depleted, I draw from the reserves of the former, and try for as long as I can to make myself a better person. Someone who won’t give up. 

I honestly don’t know how I did it. 

“Lonely times indeed”. But they were also good. 

My body was worn out, almost abused from all the physical training. But I took pleasure in knowing that I was better.

I miss it. 

This song reminds me of… the old me a version of myself. A relentless me. 

Good times. 

Jeff Buckley makes my heart hurt