humans are so cute, when we say goodbye we put our arms around each other and to show we love someone we bring them flowers. we say hello by holding each other’s hand, and sometimes tiny little dewdrops form in our eyes. for pleasure we listen to arrangements of sounds, press our lips together, smoke dried leaves, get drunk off of old fruit. we’re all just little animals, falling in love and having breakfast beneath billions of stars
My brother killed himself
on the twenty-eighth Thursday of last year
and I missed four days of work
and my mom wanted to know ‘Why’.
he was always a fan of beauty
but what he did
was not beautiful at all.
And last week I got the news
that one of my good friends from high school
except this time
she’d gone too far
and now she was gone.
And I had a hard time falling asleep at night
and her mother
hugged me tight
and thanked me for coming to the service
but I did not
want to be there at all.
This is not
The girl down the street
would’ve turned 21 last year
and I can scarcely imagine
the wild times she would’ve
But she is buried six feet deep
after falling nearly 300
and she did not leave a note.
This is not
My freshman year of college
and my roommate was beautiful
and how I wanted to be just like her.
But she wore herself down
till she was
and if you blinked
you had to go and find her all over again.
So now her parents are no longer supporting her college tuition
but are paying her hospital bills
watching their daughter crumble.
This is not
So y’all can take your narcissistic
of self harm and eating disorders and committing suicide
and shove them as far up your ass
as you possibly can.
Starvation is not beautiful.
Killing yourself is not beautiful.
is not beautiful.
This note I am writing
is not beautiful.
you are beautiful
and it’s about damn time you start believing it.
I used to get irked that “not trying” was something cool. Actually I think its still a thing, with teenagers and asians anyway. But theres been this trend, this new thing in trying, striving, falling down and getting back up. To work hard, to be committed, to be dedicated, to be money-hungry. Its all over facebook cover photos, inspirational quotes, top retweeted tweets. Its become cool to be humble and I was enjoying this kinder side of humans and the acceptance of humility.
But I have a problem when people dont fucking know what they’re talking about. When they throw around the word “blessed”. When they proudly flash their ownership of a dream. When they show off ambition like a knock-off ring.
But they’ve never experienced ground zero. They’ve never had to work. They’ve never committed to something so fully that they have to alienate themselves from people around them.
The people in this generation are so fake and flashy. It’s all talk about hard work, but never sacrifice. What do people nowadays know about sacrifice? It’s sickening how people lay claim to being something and in the process undermine those who truly do have those values and have sacrificed things they’ve held close.
I’ve noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters. They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound. They aren’t determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they’re satisfied with small changes. Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes they even transform cities and nations, and yes, the world.
Deciphered awkward into being something of a figment of my imagination.
Opened my eyes to new people, new lifestyles.
Branched away from the Asian lifestyle that I’m so used to.
Honed in on what it is that I want — what it is though… yet to be known.
Weighed the value of something that’s always played a large part in my life - badminton.
Gotten my business cards printed out <— solidifies my advancement into the workforce.
Steady part time job.
Solid full time temporary job.
Come to terms with what I am, that the majority of my friends are not — an introvert — and accepted it.
This past year was a year of professional development for me. That initial dive into professionalism… like overlooking a canyon with a skimpy harness.
The latter part of this year felt very lonely. It was a year of… me. Indeed I did “do me”, and I got very far. But I feel like I’ve dropped everything else to “do me” — left my family, isolated myself from my friends…
I hope 2013 will not be a downward spiral for me, but it’s hard to stunt the momentum of my obsession with becoming a professional.
I cannot BELIEVE I committed to so many different things this upcoming year. I am shitting my pants at the thought of joining so many different clubs in addition to continuing my role as the student liaison for the ULI.
(2) VP of Project Management for Real Estate Ryerson
(3) Social Media/Marketing rep for the Canadian Assoc of Planning Students
(4) Advocate for the Canadian Green Building Council’s Emerging Green Builders.
I have no idea how I’m going to handle all of this, in addition to being um let’s see, a fucking fourth year student who’s going to Copenhagen for a week and a half to study, and possible placement (unpaid student labour ftw) in the fall term.
Jesus H Christ.
I wish I had more time.
I wish I didn’t like Starbucks so much.
I wish I lost weight.
I need a game plan.
First, let’s set a solid goals.
1.) Lose 10lbs.
2.) Finish Triumph of the City
3.) Understand Planning Law
4.) Learn up on CAMHC
5.) Learn SketchUp properly
These are going right onto my phone’s background.
Gantt chart to be written up.
To cheers and tears,
Sidenote: I was going to update my Wordpress instead but y’know what? I think Tumblr let’s you keep track of your emotions better. So you can watch how I go from reblogging Iggy’s self-indulgent shots to writing out rants about university.